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Monday, June 28th
Ghost Building
music: None
mood: Productive
It is an interesting time to be in an office building. Since the Boom and bust of the dot coms, multy story buildings are a bit like ghost towns. There are 13 floors in my office building and though not very wide, it's a big building for the down town area. Over the last 2 months I have explored many of these floors in search for new adventure while on my break. Here are some spooky and interesting facts...
1) On floor 4 there is a vending machine that sell candy. It sells "boston baked bean" candy which Ihave not seen in a vending machine since the ice rink had them in the early 80's. These may in fact be from the early 80's, I partook of some M & Ms and I think they actually were stale. How difficult can it be for a candy with like a 200 year shelf life to TASTE stale. No matter, The sodas are cold, and though I have my doubts that when candy runs out, they will not be refilled I can still dream of fresh candy and chips dispensed so cheaply and convienently from two floors above.
2) In the basement there is a LOBBY SHOP. which is a small convienvce like storr chock full of candy, and soda, and chips, and magazines and even little gifts. What a great idea. Going to the theatre, pick up some gifts, going on a date, pick up some breath mints, pulling an all nighter, get some caffience and some no doze. Only one problem. The store is NEVER open. I have been at all times of the day, all days of the week. Just like our own office, the previous owners seemingly just left everything as is. Frozen. Like something out of a ray bradubury short story. Very creepy.
3) The Toilet paper in ever bathroom so far that Ihave visitied is rough. Very rough. You knw you are working for a place catering to the non profit when your TP is painful.
4) The windows have not been washed since my coworkers moved in. Aparently it is in the lease that they the landlord is supposed to arrange that. As it is I have a dirty but nice view of the roof of the next building over.
5) When the arts coucil moves up to the 5th floor at the end of the year, Artsopolis and the lawyers next door will be the only ones left on this floor and if we play kick the recycle box soccer much more, they may move out as well.... maybe we will become a ghost floor too?
I wonder how much we could charge for a rave....or "phantom" theatre?
 
princess on 06.28.04 @ 03:44 PM PST [link]
Monday, June 21st
Childhood memories
music: none
mood: Aching to take a shower...just as soon as I share...
I just finished watching 1 of 15 dvd's of the old muppet shows that my parents have recently purchased. This brought back the Sunday night ritual of my youth where after my younger sister and I took our baths and got into our pjs, we would watch the muppet show and Sha na na while eating dad's hamburgers and mom's french fries. WE all had special seats...REbecca and Sandy on the sofa, Brett often times at her chair at the table, and me on the floor, nearest the TV. What an amazing show. SO random. Makes you wonder exactly what they were smoking in the muppet workship. And what amazing guestars. Tonight we saw episodes with James Coburn, Sylvester Stalone, Gene Kelly and Debbie Harry from Blondie. And I remembered just about all the sketches and punchlines and they were still hysterical. Pigs in Space, Vetrinarian Hospital, Fozzie, The swedish chef, such imagination. I wonder how much of that show was a reflection of the society I was growin gup in and how much the muppets influenced my life. Even more funny to me than bells (ding!) is the movement of whatever they make muppet hair and eyebrows out of. Pretty low tech puppets with loads of expression and impact. I wonder if Jim Hensen's parents groaned when he said he wanted to be a puppeteer. WHo knew. And What a loss to lose him so early. Well, just had to share. It's the little things...love to hear some of your own favorite childhood traditions.
princess on 06.21.04 @ 10:48 PM PST [link]
Surreal morning
music: Jet
mood: Sleepy
So this morning I went to the dentist and I knew it was going to be one of those days when the dentist didn't have me in the computer for a cleaning. Apparently they had lost a bunch of data a week ago and didn't have any way of recreating it 100%. No worries, I decided to go mail some things in the Palo Alto Post Office. And all of a sudden I was in someone's dream, a David Lynch film, or abad acid trip. AS I rolled down an errily empty Hamilton Ave. I was almost in slow motion. Here's a sampling of what I saw.
A woman in a BRIGHT purple skirt wool skirt and blazer. She had a gold lame' purse, a matching purple hat, long amber beads, HUGE eye glasses and big pearl earring. She walked very awkwardly almost as if one leg were significantly shorter than the other. She was pretty much talking to herself.
A man dressed in sevearl layers, the outer most being a earthy tweed sports coat, dirty. He was in fact completely still, faced at a wall, no more than 2 inches from it. No windows, no movement.
A cop running a red light, seemingly thinking there was not a soul around.
A man with the worst looking scar or burn on his face and neck I have ever seen. Smiling and happy, singing to himself.
It was a very colorful and bizarre drive. And in Honor of bizarre and odd, here are some non sequitors from the weekend.
I was serendaded by a Mexican gentlemen in a sombreo who was singing essentially Kareoke songs in Spanish at El Amigos.
My thighs hurt from a motorbike ride. Who knew clinging on to the back of a bike was so good for your muscles.
Saw a great slice of life movie called Le Divorce. Great sound track, great acting and very inteesting look at how french and americans differ...I related.
2 steps closer to working out my debt issues. My deadline ( self imposed) if July 7th to have worked out settlements and August 2006 to pay everything off. Freedom is a long difficult batle before then, but my eye is on the prize. That would put my next vacation at let's see...June 2007...and it might be a permenant one.....this country is too expensive for my tastes these days...
Go see Goner in San Jose. I'm runnig box office, and have seen the show 3 times now...it really does get funnier....htpp://renegadetheatre.com
Hope everyone had a happy fathers day!
princess on 06.21.04 @ 02:36 PM PST [link]
Sunday, June 20th
Cravings
music: none
mood: trying to distract myself from being tense
What is the difference between, cravings, desire and need? It really shouldn't surprise anyone who knows me that quite a bit of my blogs are centered around food. I am not shy about my love for food. I love cooking it, I love eating it, I love looking it. Me and food have a healthy relationship ( unless you happen to be bananas, eggplant, olives or peppers, and even they are negotiable at times). I do not eat more when I am upset, I do not obsess about wieght (unless you are calling me fat) and I have always been of the opinon that my body TELLS me what it needs. But in this time of reflection, transistion and occasional self doubt I wonder if my body REALLY know what the hell it is doing. I have a sweet tooth but I do not crave sweets all the time. I definately can feel when my body needs clensing. I have a stomach of steel when it comes to foreign water and street food, and yet orange juice is painful to my stomach. I have ALWAYS craved milk and dairy, I rarely drink water and every now and then I MUST have raisins. All these cravings could certainly be what my body needs. Calcium, iron, the fact that I maybe manufacture enough vitimin c myself to not need orange juice. Is it possible there is a link to habit or comfort though. That these foods have a deep psychological meaning. You can see where I am going with this maybe....Could the shapes of food have anything to do with preference? NO. Just clearing that up for you right now. Just because Bananas and I can't get along doesn mean all other similarly shaped fruits are haunting me in a freudian sense. I repeat no.
But, I have a friend for instance that will not eat any BLUE foods. No blue candy of any kind, non blue berries, nothing blue. Maybe that's just weird instead of an explained craving or "warning" her body is claiming. I will not eat bugs( Expcept the occasional snail) but yet I eat all sorts of weird meet. Lots of the world eats them but somehowI just can't get over the fact that I feel they do not belong in my mouth at all if at all possible.
When you smell certain foods you can crave them. Pavlovian perhaps. When you see a commercial is it the marketing that's playing tricks or is it your body speaking up. If it were marketing than EVERY time I saw a Jack in the box commercial presumably I would crave it. As it stands, only about 1 out of every 30 times I see a commercial do I ever get an urge.
And what about extending this past foods. What I NEED is very different from what I desire and what I crave. Solitude and companionship for instance. I would say I DESIRE both. I certainly CRAVE both. I am not 100% certain I would go crazy or worse die, without one or the other. Given my preference if I HAD to choose one I suppose i would be garunteed to get along better with just myself, but never having done ANYTHING the easy way, I would expect I would choose companionship, though I would indeed miss the alone time. Like now. My own thought sometimes are plenty entertaining. 2-4 hours of swimming every day for 12 years taught me how to have conversations with myself. ( This could be a blog in the nex few days)
So where to DESIRES come from. It's not part of neccessary survival is it? I WANT to win the lottery, but I will survive (presumablY) without winning. But wanting to win is not the same physical response as craving a piece of chocolate, or mexican food ( taht was today craving) Why do people WANT. And what are the reprecussions of not getting. And are there people who don't want ANYTHING? And what is the formula for amount of luck and skills and determination to get what you want? I WANT to know, but if I don't find out, what happens? Craving knowledge and craving food are extremely sudden, instinctual and strong feelings...I will go to the computer or my almanac to discover thigns right now, not later. where do they come from? Again, Nature, nurture, society, psychology, chemical, subliminal?
hmmmmm
princess on 06.20.04 @ 10:38 PM PST [link]
Thursday, June 17th
How much do I rock...well let me tell you..
music: Bare Naked Ladies (Stunt Album) (What A GREAT CD)
mood: Happy and buzzy
Congratulations are in order. So Bring it. I have secured not one but TWO directing jobs for the fall. Both very BIG and very DIFFERENT projects. Tabard Theatre Company in San Jose will be putting on The LION the WITCH and the WARDROBE opening November 5. This is going to be a wonderful show, with masks and makeup, dance and fight choreography, and we are stepping up the tech to provide a very magical surrounding through special lighting and sound effects. This will be a multigenerational show and a really exciting project to be heading.
The second show (which is actually the first to perform) is a wonderful comedy about a candidate for president. Mixe ups, promise, political satire and some really amusing twists will only be made more enjoyable by the fact that is runs simultaneous to the US presidential elections. The Second Lady will open in Santa Clara on October 15 and run to November 6th.
So it will be a busy few months for me. I am still helping with tickets and house managing at Renegade Theatre's production of Goner (Super edgy and funny), and the Pear Avenue in Mountain View's Production of a silly yet deep production of A Beautiful Home for the Incurable. In addition to tickets and housemanaging I will be Stage Managing in August for Dragon Productions show Love if a Pig.
Big Plate of theatre, but I love it. A little extra pocket change never hurts, and new people, and new challenges certainly help to make time pass quick and energize me. I'm still loving my job, learning lots and getting more responsibility at Artsopolis and big things are happening that it is god to be a part of. I still need to win the lottery and find a place to live but other than that, life is good. I may be busy but don't be sparse...the best thing about having lots to do is it makes me 10 times more efficcient and I always seem to have more time to be social than when I am waiting for ducks to line up.
Quack!!! 
princess on 06.17.04 @ 11:28 AM PST [link]
Wednesday, June 16th
Who Moved My Cheese
music: Political Satire
mood: Fair to good but still apparently critical
I would say I live the way of a boy scout. Always prepared. Years of calculating the end of a swimming race, directing productions, improv on stage and travel have conditioned me to get a good glimpse of the big picture. Being stubbburn, determined, and intelligent also doesn't hinder my ability to be prepared for the surprises in life. Optimistic but realistic is where I try to hover. Any lack of preparedness is my own lacking and often time because I am prepared it clears up plenty of time for solutions for the few challenges that always come up out of no where. It is being prepared and having thought through potential scenerios that helps to make surprises or problems fun. It is the difference between adventure and crisis.
This being said. For all the planning and thinking I do, I find I do not adapt to change as well as I allow myself to through all the preparations I make. It still doesn't make a negative situation any easier to swallow. I would like to be one of those go with the flow people consistently. I Would like to peddal slowly up the hill and not fight, but there is some terrible warrior in me that in certain situations unleashes a surprisingly inflexible attitude. Call it a temper, call it moral outrage, call it pride, call it shirley for all I care, but it is annoying. Maybe it's an intolerance to ignorance coupled with a dramatic flaire. Who knows. I have over the years found that I am an uptight person. Yes yes, I know you are all saying that is what makes me charming, but seriously. when circumstances allow I can be very laid back but I would say my default mode, certainly over the last 3 years at least has been closer to the uptight life model. I could analyze why, but I'm sure that would only stress me out.
And it's not just my actions, it's the reaction. I can be completely calm on the outside about things, but if they get to me internally I wonder how can I preempt that reaction initially. And then of course, those reactions may be intstinctual and probably ought not to be repressed if they aren't exacerbating the problem. Sometimes you need a little redheaded fury I guess. Insert a smack down every now and then.
All this connects with this expectations idea as well...For instance I am a lot more easy going and laid back when travelling. Logically speaking there is an increase of more things happening not in your plan so expecting changes or challenges is part of the trip. Perhaps that is why I don't PLAN my travel as extensivly as many people do. I like to have a good idea of what there is to see and do and a beginning and usually an idea of an end knowing it is all suject to change. Travel is freedom in a sense from the structure that makes me react "negatively". And to be honest (even though I said I wasn't going there) maybe the fact that my travel has been limited in the sense of exploration I haven't clensed and divorced the negative buildup as frequently as I needed to.
People have suggested yoga as a cure. I will say it again...the day yoga is a competetive sport I'm in. People have said ANY sort of physical activity can "relax" you, my experience has been that can also create as much tension if you aren't careful. Some people drink or smoke or veg...these are all temporary solutions for an underlying issues of being uptight. And maybe that's all I can expect, and maybe all that's required, becuase maybe it's not all that big a deal to anyone else.
For all the instances of "rage" and neagtivity I do feel I have at least taken the time to explore the why's behind them, I guess I'm not completely satisfied with the answers all the time and I am admittedly an answer girl. Understanding why is 90 of the battle. If I can alter the logic enough to get more answers, maybe I will be less uptight about stuff. Thank goodness for a sense of humor, I'm sure I would be a totally unpleasant person without at least that to take the edge off every now and then.
 
princess on 06.16.04 @ 10:18 AM PST [link]
Monday, June 14th
Expectations
music: none
mood: Critical
It is safe to say that most people whether they admit it or not are judgemental. We form opinions and create answers for ourselves for any number of reasons. You can judge without being mean, you can judge without be right, but it seems to me a pretty natural process. Some people are more vocal about expressing these opinons or judgements than others, but I wager most of us judge people on a continual basis. To judge others we must have a system in our heads of what is right and wrong and also a system or knowledge of our own expectations. It's a sad kind of system actually. It set you up for a lot of uneccessary dissappointment. A blond date, a movie that everyone has talked about, if you expect the worst, you are pessimistic if you expect the best you are close to dillusional. Somewhere in the middle is realistic and yet how boring to always get what you expect.
Where do expectations come from? One part hope, one part logic, one part experience/precedence? And what of self expectations? Where do thsoe come from? Someone elses judgements? Are they truely self imposed or are they contigent upon the criticism and expectations on others, parents, friends, teacher, coworkers? Nature? Nurture? And do you suffer more dissappointment from high standards and self expectation than if you have no expectations for yourself to begin with? Can someone with no expectations truly appreciate acchievement the same way someone who is goal orriented can? Can you go through life believeing you are "valuable" for lack of a better word, without ever acknowledging expectations? And what if you are doomed with high expectations and you continually strive and come up short? Does that wear a person down unneccessarily? And is the effort "the journey" as we say and can someone with high self expectations ignore the end results, the destination if you will, becuase of the effort that was put in?
There's a lot more here. A lot more specifics...but I think another time...
princess on 06.14.04 @ 01:31 PM PST [link]
Friday, June 11th
Crime Scene or High Art....
music: Boys in a meeting
mood: Preplexed and not quite awake
Picture this: A San Jose Street. Two cement flower pots. On the flower one, a mens White thinly Maroon striped button down work shirt strewn carelessly. On the other flower pot. A black plastic Harmonica case. Key of C. To the left of these items 3 HUGE spools of black electrical cable. Maybe it's just me but there are numerous scenerios of a dark crime that could have occured here. I'll share my ideas after you've had a few days to come up with your own conclusions....feel free to share.
princess on 06.11.04 @ 11:41 AM PST [link]
Thursday, June 10th
Whether the weather be cold, or whether the weather be hot...
music: The Waifs/ Alister in Wonderland
mood: Optimistic
Here's a question..is EVERYBODY effected by weather? Are some people more effected by it than others and is that because they are more sensitive, or is it a chemical "imbalance". Or, are those that are effected by it most psychologically dependent on the weather being a certain way and not changing. It has been a relatively cold Spring this year in California and beyond it not seeming "right" I find myself more tired than I remember myself being in years at this time. Could be lack of physical activity, could be stress, could be a lot of things, but I guess I feel like maybe my expectations are making me colder and more lethargic than normal.
There is a happy medium though...too hot and I'm motivate to sit in the sun and do nothing, too cold, I wrap myself up in a blanket and do nothing. Best working temperature for me is 70 inside, best vacation temperature for me is mid to high 80's. It remind me of my dearly departed fish really...water temerpature to hot they were lethargic, water to cold, virtually still...water temperature within a 3 degree "ideal" range and they were happy little perky swimmies. R.I.P.
I guess my point is, am I cold blooded? Is it possible I am less equipped to adapt becasue mentally or physically I have altered my point of view or because I have been "raised" in a certain climate. East coasters seem to actually LIKE wind, and grey and snow a lot more than many of my california buddies. Snow is for skiing, not aesthetics around here, and I think my skiing buddies would just assume travel the 3 hours to Tahoe to get their snow and come back to snowfree zone for regular life.
(Brette and Lynz here's a god opportunity for you to impart your feelings being native Californian/warm weather folk, but living and seemingly enjoying, living in the Chilly Midwest, do you even notice the weather that much, do you enjoy it, and do you appreciate the sun even more and find your "tolerance" for hot weather to have dereased?)
During winters at collge in Ohio I remember being so cold I couldn't stand it. But I also got to the point where if it was Sunny outside but only say 55 degrees, I would be wearing shorts. It's relative I guess to a certain extent. Is it the prescense of the Sun or actual temperature? Or is it the visual stimulation of flowers and the scents of BBQ's that warm us too. I know it didn't take me very long to adapt back...a 2 week holiday and back to Ohio Spring and 55 was no longer shorts time.
I know there are people that chemically are depressed with lack of Sun ( UV rays and Vitimin D). Can the generalization be made that people from predominantly sunny countries are happier? I certainly think so, but is that specifically weather realated or is it becuase they are more active becuase the weather allows for more activities. Interesting correlation. Serrotonin levels and so on.
Anyway, I guess this weather sensitivity is not exactly a handicap, I'ld rather be aware than oblivious, but I just wonder what th actual formula is and why I associate sun with being happy and thus happy most of the time out here.
princess on 06.10.04 @ 12:15 PM PST [link]
Tuesday, June 8th
Passing
music: Marvelous Three
mood: Non-discript
I have been asked just today why I have not written about my Grandmothers passing. In general I try to keep my blogs less personal and potentially less depressing. However, I just recieved an excellent email from my brother and I thought I would post a section of it. It is an interesting reminder of History, and an interesting reflection on what is important to people. I have often wondered in my own morose/prepared way, what I would take with me in a fire. Perhaps it is because in the mid 80's a fire destroyed my grandparents house and destroyed numberous documents and pieces of family history which is particularly revered in Virginia. So I wonder what possessions do I hold most dear. If I reach my grandmothers age of nearly 91, and my memory fails me, what items would I want to hold on to look back on. A Crystal Ship that I carried back from my paternal grandmothers funeral in 1993, My blanket I have had since I was born, and a box of letters, photos, notes and postcards from friends and family. Here's what my Grandmother deemed worthy Historically (for our family as well as perhaps beyond) and held on to. The short list according to my Brother:
10. A letter containing two "top secret memos" from Brette, sent c. 1985. The first reads: "Memo:
Grandmama please send me some rocks. love, Brette." The second: "Memo: Dee tell me price of the pennies if you have them please. -Brette."
9. A half-page newspaper ad announcing the appointment of Rebecca (and others) to the Nordstron
Brass Plum Fashion Board.
8. A mysterious, 6-page love letter to Grandmama from "Howard." Grandmama once told me that she had a suitor before Dee, in 1935, and that he sent her 60+ love letters. She threw away his letters but kept the 60 empty envelopes, apparently as a souvenir of his courtship. This letter seems to be the only surviving record of the man who lost out to Dee in the battle for Grandmama's hand in marriage.
7. A Christmas card Dee sent home in December 1944, during the Battle of the Bulge.
6. Mementos from Mom's musical career. Apparently, our mom was an accomplished pianist when she was in grade school. She won two NATIONAL contests (in 1949 and 1951) and performed live on WKFX's "Capital Life and Health Insurance Kiddie Revue" in 1947.
5. A eulogy for, and associated photos of, family patriarch John Thomas Dennis.
4. Grandmama & Dee's bridal registry from 1936.
3. A collection of 50-60 letters that Mom sent to Grandmama in the 1960s. These letters document her early married life and raising a new baby (me!). Some of the letters are quite touching. One, from January 1969, describes friction between Mom and her mother-in-law (Grandma Greenwood). This is the first mention of her and Dad considering a move to either "California or Atlanta."
2. Grandmama's High School Diploma from 1930. The diploma is wrapped around a rolling pin, and the
rolling pin is signed in pencil by 20 classmates of Grandmama. Apparently, female students were issued a rolling pin in their home economics class, and the students used it in lieu of a yearbook, to collect the
signatures of their classmates upon graduation.
and the number one relic from Grandmama's private
collection....
1. Two classified military documents from WWII. The two reports describe the missions of the XIX Tactical Air Command from the time of D-Day to the surrender of the Nazi Army. These are the missions that Dee helped to plan and implement during the final year of WWII. They were originally classified "Secret" but were declassified after the war. The documents are exquisite; they detail the day-by-day movements of Dee's air command, as he provided air support to General Patton's Third Army from Brittany (France) to Luxembourg.
* Dee is my grandfather, dubbed Dee by my brother Sandy when he was about 3 and he could not say Grand Daddy. It stuck and until his death on Memorial Day in 1993 he was universally known as Dee.
** Grandmama will be laid to rest next to Dee, June 28th in Arlington Cemetery in the Nations Capitol.
One of my strongest memories of granmama was her slipping me lemon drops in the car on roadtrips and of watching her put her lipstick on. She was a proper lady and never left the house or her room at the home she was in for the last several years, without doing her hair and makeup. And you wonder where I get it. Or not.
princess on 06.08.04 @ 11:26 AM PST [link]
Monday, June 7th
Astounding Facts from Greg the Vietnam Vet
music: Tony Award Aftermath
mood: Well fed, happy.
While celebrating a friends birthday at a San Jose dive bar into the early hours of Saturday morning, I chanced upon a man with a story I just had to share. At Aproximately 1am outside Q's Place, a 50 something man with a plaid shirt and glazed over blue eyes smoked his cigarette and imparted over the course of about 30 minutes some particularly shocking information. I feel it is my duty to pass on the wisdom of Greg the vet. In this blog you will find a series of astounding facts, most of which are classified according to my would be fiance' and single handed Satan obliterating Greg.
1) You can tell the daughter of a navy man by her nice jar line and teeth.
2) I deserve a crown (finally someone can see me for who I really am)
3) There is no Pizza in K or C-rations. No chicken either, but somehow he's still sick of both.
4) Guam is a tough place and Guam is going to eat his motar
5) Submarines are the best because you can sleep more.
6) The crew of aircraft carriers smoke weed on the deck in international waters and it's magical stuff
7) Germany has superior ground forces, but the US has superior air force
8) The sky is blue, and it multiplies and that is why blue eyes are the dominant gene...hmmmm
9) If you obliterate Satan, (as he did) you know you win even if you get no credit becuase it's classified.
10) The secret to life is a 59 cent bean burrito at Taco Bell when you have a hang over
11) If you can not be addicted to cigarettes, if you can smoke just one, you are something else.
12) Helicopters are scary.
13) Sometimes when you haul cattle in trucks, the fall on each other.
14) Laughter in the day, tears and misery at night.
Thank you Greg. I sleep better knowing that Satan has been obliterated. I hope your next 6 months at "sea" are pleasant. Peace out.
princess on 06.07.04 @ 12:50 PM PST [link]
Thursday, June 3rd
missing
music: birds if you can believe it at this hour!
mood: pensive, freshly showered, not really sleepy
I am not one to miss things, either to feel distant from someone or something, or to overlook things ( except typos and they so don't count.  ) There are however a few exceptions and more particularly now in my life than I think ever before. Perhaps it's age, and with that age responsibility, perhaps it is that I simply don't take time to make sure each day is full of the things I want it to be full of.
I miss the effortlessness of having friends the way it just seemed to work out in elementary school. I wager maybe not everyone had the experience I had, but it just seemed like my best firends in the world just happened to grow up with me. And where people tended to grow apart, I felt like every day even through tough times brought us closer together. How cool is it tohave soul mates with you so long, or maybe becuase every kid needs a friend be it a peer, a pet, a sibling or an imaginary friend, we grew into soulmates. I rather think we were lucky enough to have the title and the fact before meeting. No matter, I miss just going to school everyday and knowing they are going to be there. knowing they can't wait to seee you, that they have lots to tell you even though it's been only a few hours since they saw you last. I miss being able to see them, and have them physicallly in the room. Emai and phones have done quite a bit as far as keeping people in touch, but it is not the same. It's not so mich the people I miss because they are always in my heart, I just miss the convienience of getting together without it being a huge event or scheduling fiasco.
I miss finger paints, good saturday morning cartoons, and doing carttwheels in the grass in summer. Tow of the three of these I might be able to remedy. My kindergarten teacher is retiring this year and I always loved the slick paper and silky starch with it's unforgettable smell and feel. there is no substitute for industrial costco kind of quantities of finger painting supplies. I will make an effort to cartwheel next time I see some grass. As for the cartoons, the Snorks, Smurfs, dungeons and drangons, gummi bears and Xmen are long gone, and the crap that is on now is a sad commentary on the state of this countries future.
I miss Ohio Thunderstorms, the kind where for several seconds you fear for your life. The kind where you realize how small and fragile you are, but how brave and fierce too for understanding how you measure up to a storm.
I miss grades. Let me reitterate. I miss getting good grades. i admittedly got a fair amount of satisfaction out of getting papers back with "YES!", "Excellent" and "insightful" on them. Validation comes in many ways and I think it was a lot more clear and a lot less subtle when there were 5 letters assigned to your life. Somehow the good ones mattered and the bad ones didn't. I got my cake and ate it for quite sometime. Money for someone like me is not a grade, it's not validation and a raise may say you are doing a great job, but is it also buying you to do better? I was always the anchor for the relays in swimming, I do well under pressure, but pressure for me, or pressure for someone else. It's a tough call.
Most recently I would say I miss being sure. I want to be sure of so many things, many things that I have always been sure of before. It's almost as if I'm going backwards, or maybe JUST going forward for the first time. Wise beyond my years and cursed with being a late bloomer. I want to know I am sure and not think I am sure. I want to not have to think about if I am sure or not. Will it be okay...really...and in what way....will the finances eat me up and turn me into something I am not, and something I don't want to be. Am I sure I can do what I need to do to not make the same mistakes I did before. Am I sure I'm over a break up which in all honesty seems like a break away. Am I sure I am thinking of what's best for me or are others still in front. am I sure I will like who I am when I reach the end of this transition.
I suppose it is natural to miss the things from childhood, it's a natural aversion toward reaching the other end of life but, I think it's sort of silly to want certianty from the future. It takes what little fun there might be in a tough time of transition out of it. And yet....being sure of something, REALLY sure, would be super swell.
So to you...What do you miss...and what are you sure of.
princess on 06.03.04 @ 12:16 AM PST [link]
Tuesday, June 1st
Animals and "aesthetics"
music: 96fm...perths BEST music
mood: productive and focused, still at work....
So I got to thinking as I helped a friend move and watched some birds this weekend. Two Lovely birds that are either Kites or Goshawks of some kind have been seen near the lounge persumably making a nest in a tree on the hill and Two lovely friends of mine have bought a house near the Lounge as well ( coincidence...I think not). Now decorating and aestheics I would think is predominantly a human trait. The males of many species are brightly colored perhaps to "attract" a female but this is more nature/evolution of a physical characteristic, rahter than intentional attention to aesthetics.
There are males birds that build a nest "orante" and yet functional and we have surmised that this is to again attract a mate. Are the females attracted to them becuase it is functional? Because the nest is beautiful? Because it is comfortable? Because it smells good? Or does it really not have to do with the nest making ability? Do the birds have taste? If so, do they develop that taste over time, does it change? Does it work? Is it just primal instinct? Survival?
Humans (and generally speaking more often females than males) deocrate their homes, usually to impress others (show how much money they have, express thier personalities, or to set the mood), but occasionally they decorate exclusively for themselves. What gene is responsible for that, or what part of our lizard brains can account for that similar "nesting" trait as in animal counterparts but with the extra attention to the decorating aspect. A home should feel like a home, and that definition is different for everyone, I just wonder if birds and other creatures put as much time and thought into it as we seem to. If they do, does that mean they have egos, and a sense of what others think of them. Only others in their specises or are they worried about what other animals might think to? Are they insecure? Is flying farther to get a rarer tree branch status like a rolex, or antiques, or designer furniture? Can preference be synonomous with taste in and beyond the human realm. I wonder.
I don't see why not. But then again, if I think too much, I might have to stop eating meat. Or not. Just thanking my meat more and complimenting it perhaps.
princess on 06.01.04 @ 07:25 PM PST [link]
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