05/27/2006: "Halucinations in the witching hour"

music: Something Happens, Coldplay, James, PWEI, Travis
mood: Big Sigh.

It's a good thing I can laugh, becuase if I didn't, as they say, I might just cry. It's been a long week and I've been uncharacteristingly, inexplicably meloncholy and restless the last few days. I've got very little spunk, very little fight in me. Literally walked out of a conversation that was going south rather than explain. I hate that. So unlike me. I was trying to apologize too. They were having none of it. I don't think I've ever walked out on anyone like that. I did give warning. I did say, I would walk out if he didn't give me two seconds to explain. And so I did. I don't feel good about it. Headed straight for the shower. Such a fish, head straight for the water to unwind. Good to have a healing element. Didn't unwind me all the way though...

Partly I'm just warn from work and sleep dep, partly there's just the air of illness in the air. Serious Illness. Last week I had some severe car wreck dreams. In true Susannah form I tried making the dream turn humorous, but to no real avail. Car wreck to waterslide might have done the trick but not being able to control the yellow innertube of death my dream proved just as frustrating. Even when someone else was in it. And then it had to all turn into a race. The concern was still present, the tension still about upon waking up. I saw two very bad accidents on Sunday on the road, and have been nearly hit twice by a car that ran a STALE red light in a residential area and by a car that decided it would turn in front of me quiet suddenly. I almost hit a snake tonight on the way home as well. It's deer season as well, which is great becuase I see the fawns starting to appear in the front yard which I love, but of course the temptation of the dark and winding road up to the palace becomes a test as I try to make sure I don't hit anything alive. I have to rein the jeep in on those curves he likes so much.

I'm checking for all the signs, I'm keeping aware and being extra cautious, but there's just this fog in the air that's hanging that makes me real nervous. Someone I know. I hate it. And then again, maybe it's all a hallucination. I was in uber clumsy mode tonight, the wear taking its toll. Starting at 8pm tongiht at rehearsal, I just started to break down. My head and heart weren't in it. Tom and I chanted Colin Farrell and Angelina Jolie respectivly to try to get ourselves motivated, but rehearsals on Friday nights are not even solved by visions of lovliness (and bad assness as well). I got a call about a work issue, which ended up being COMPLETELY my fault, which I can't STAND! It doesn't happen often, I'm surprised it doesn't happen more, but still, I hate that it happens at all. Clearly at capacity here though. I fixed it only to spill water all over the rehearsal table. Almost slipped and killed myself on the water as I was getting up to get paper towels. Then out of the corner of my eye I thought I saw dead bodies piled up under the stage. And it wasn't like oh those LOOK like dead bodies, in my head I was like "oh my gosh, why are there dead bodies under the stage". Brief thought, but weird.

So I got home and have a long day tomorrow of blood donation, theatre storage clean up, Director interview and seeing a show, and I should have gotten some sleep. But I can't, becuase thoughts are all a zoom zoom in my brain to the point of almost being tooooo exhausted. If it weren't dark and if my body hasn't already betrayed me this week I would have tried exercise to ry to get myself back in synch, but I'm liable to end up in a ditch in this state I think. Best to keep it basic. So I turn to the blog. I empty, freeing up thoughts and synapeses, hoping the z's can fit in there soon. And I watched Saint Ralph on my laptop in bed. Great flick. Canadian. Campbell Scott, underrated actor...such a nice actor. A really sweet nice film. I know I should not say this, being mostly agnostic, I'm sure it will have some repercussions, but I've noticed quite a few movies where I find the priests to be more than attractive. Stigmata had Gabriel Byrne, Mr Phoenix in Quills, Campbell Scott in Saint Ralph. Not sure what that is all about. I'm sure there's a deep psychological explaination somewhere, and a screenplay about it perhaps as well. Back to the film though. I don't know if it's a brilliant film, but I really enjoyed it. 4 out of 5 Rutgers/Rockwells/D'nofrios. I've not quite enough power I'm sure to get another one in before I do indeed pass out. I hope. Nothing worse than being tired and needing to sleep and not being able to, and not being able to be productive at least. Well...actually...lots of things worse...but you gotta let a girl have a little melodrama yes?

Happy things, thinking in the positive. I am using Ron's cool ergonomic kneeling chair at work. I'm improving my posture, I think. It's a goal yes? My hip doesn't hurt, but then again that could be due to the fact that I brokedown and took some anti-inflamitories, not that the chair is helping. Still, no pain is good. GOt a chance to walk to the farmers market today and spend lunch outside the office for once, which I always like. I resisted te urge to buy all the flowers they had there. It was a close call. Kim and I had a great chat and a great lunch. I love the little old man that plays acoustic guitar on the patio of the Sonoma Chicken Coop downtown. He so looks at peace, as if he really wouldn't like to be doing anything other than playing. He's what I picture an angel to be in a way. Never says a word, just smiles knowingly. Other good, we have hired a new full time girl so in the next month or so, there should be some relief in that arena I expect. Good. Good. I got to wear a fantastic vintage hat for our photoshoot. If I ever got to be a wealthy eccentric, I would collect vintage hats. We walked by a hat store on Mother's Day in Tiburon and my mom clutched on to me and said "no" when she saw it. I get excited by hats. Which reminds me, super happy, Young G (AKA roommate Justin) called from Disneyland tonight and told me he was getting me a souvenir. He asked what type and color of hat I would like. I suspect it is a pirates of the carribean hat...but it might also very well be a princess hat. I love prezzies! Yea prezzies. He also got me free passes to the advanced showing of the Omen remake, but unfortunately I have a reahearsal on Monday the 5th. Ed also offered me Giants tickets that night, but I still can't go which klls me because he has amazing seats behind home plate. I don't like baseball, but good seats a sunny night, beer, and live sport, nothing like it...well actually...lots like it...but you know what I mean. I will however have the 6th free, no rehearsal and will go see the Omen then (6/6/06) SOOOOOO excited. Gotta love a good scary movie. And that is a most excellent way to end Le Blog. Bonne nuit mes anges. Soyez sūr. Soyez bon. Soyez.