04/14/2006: "Car conversation...proof of angels"

music: Fiona Apple, The Fray
mood: Friday doesn't help much...

A conversation between me and my car upon arriving in the parking lot to discover a very flat back right tire...

A conversation between me and my car upon arriving in the parking lot to discover a very flat back right tire.

Me:You are kidding me.
Jeep: I’m afraid I am not dude.
Me: You realize it’s 10pm and I just got done with work and taxes.
Jeep: And you are telling me this why?
Me: Well your timing’s a bit…inconvinent shall we say?
Jeep: Would you have preferred while driving at 1am on I5, lost, in the rain, while unaware you had left your wallet in Manteca?
(Silence)
Me: (sheepishly) no.
Jeep: Well then I suggest you stop your bitching. That could have been messy yes?
Me: Yes. Quite.
Jeep: Now, are you ready to listen to me.
Me: Uh, my car is TALKING to me, I think I am listening.
Jeep: Then HEAR what I am saying.
Me: Look, what’s this about anyway?
Jeep: Oh I think you know full well what this is about.
Me: Seriously, what gives?
Jeep: Three guesses and the first two don’t count.
Me: If this is because you are full of 6 pairs of shoes, boxes, binders and trash I can explain.
Jeep: If you would stop your interrpting?
Me: I have been really busy and at least it’s not rotting melty milkduds.
Jeep: I don’t think it wise to bring up past offenses dear.
Me: I’ve gotten better though.
Jeep: Have you?
Me: Haven’t I?
Jeep: Do you really want me to answer that.
Me: I suppose not, but…
Jeep: Excuses really aren’t becoming Susannah.
Me: Sorry. You were saying?
Jeep: How do you think you will function without a car my dear?
ME: No don’t you think you are being a LITTLE melodramatic?
Jeep: Don’t be talking to me about melodramatic “princess”
Me: Look, if I hadn’t been all over the place the last 2 months I would..
Jeep: And how have you been getting to all the places you have to get to…
Me: And it’s been raining…
Jeep: And this is my problem how? I think I have been MORE then patient here.
Me: You are right, it’s me, not you, you are on my list of things to get to this weekend.
Jeep: Well we need to talk now.
Me: 10pm on Thursday night? In a parking lot? Can we maybe..
Jeep: No more postponing. I’ve been your bitch long enough, I’m done being subtle.
Me: You are a yellow Jeep, there isn’t a whole lot that is subtle about you I’m afraid.
Jeep: True, but never the less, we need to talk ….now.
Me: Can I drive you around the corner and put more air in your tire first?
Jeep: Oh no, that’s just covering up the problem, we have to address it.
Me: I’ll address it, I promise,
Jeep: Look me in the headlights and tell me that.
Me: You want me to what?
Jeep: DO what I say, or I can dump my transmission right here.
Me: You would so not do that just to make a point
Jeep: Want to test that theory?
Me: Wow, who peed in your gas tank?
Jeep: Do not raise your voice at me or in addition to the $2,000 you owe in taxes you will have a sweet ass mechanic bill hanging over you as well.
Me: What have I ever done but shown you love, made you happy, taken you four wheeling.
Jeep: When was the last time you have the oil changed.
Me: Well probably.
Jeep: No the really great thing is there is a little sticker in your damn window that tells you EXACTLY when it was so you don’t even have to guess, the little sticker RIGHT in eye view, everytime you get in the car.
Me: That’s low. That’s fighting dirty.
Jeep: No I will tell you what is dirty, my frigging OIL! It’s worse then milkduds due. Worse then straw wrappers, worse then moldy Tupperware, worse then pennies covered in spilt coke…one might even venture to say groady.
Me: That’s my word.
Jeep: Tough
Me: But.
Jeep: No buts, you are not the victim here. I do plenty of work for you , I get you dates for crying out loud, its’ payback time.
Me: Okay so why the flat? Couldn’t you just have..
Jeep: To get your attention
Me: It worked.
Jeep: I know, duh thank you captain obvious.
Me: so now what.
Jeep: So now you change my oil.
Me: Saturday.
Jeep: And clean me the hell out
Me: done.
Jeep: And
Me: AND?
Jeep: Watch it girl, I’m in no mood truly.I want a vaccuum and a scrub down.
Me: : And then you will magically fix the tire?
Jeep: No, I want my horn fixed too.
Me: I don’t even
Jeep: ahh ahh ahh…these are not requests, they are demands. These or else:
Me: or else what
Jeep: We have so been through this.
Me: Fine. Done. Now are you going to cooperate.
Jeep And stop calling me fat.
Me: NOW just a second.
Jeep: only kidding
Me: Great a car with a sense of humor, just what I need.
Jeep: would you prefer..
Me: NO, you are perfect. You are better then perfect. Are we capacetic?
Jeep: Maybe.
Me: Great.
Jeep: Good.
Me: Swell.
Jeep: Super.

Silence

Me: can we go now?
Jeep: Sure.
Me: Uh. Thanks.
Jeep: No worries.
Me: No seriously, thank you. You know I love you right?
Jeep: I know.
Me: Okay then.

Silence

Jeep: I love you too.

Zoom zoom zoom….