12/30/2005: "2005 unplugged"

music: the wind and approaching storm
mood: somber, reflective, as it should be

Yes, yes, its about that time. One last ditch effort to recap the year. To pretend that by blogging it excuses me from not calling or writing each member of the cast of my life personally nearly as often as I should. Let this serve as your impetous to communicate for real or not. The year in review is one of the most crowded in recent memory and difficult I think as well. It was a year of not being honest as I would like to myself but I think that allowed me to experiement in many ways and break the mold and that indeed brought at least filler if not soild experience to my life. LAte nights at work, juggling many projects at once, and letting the "what I should be doing" haunt and contorl more then is sane, certainly played a role in the chaos of 2005.

Three different houses and moves in 5 months, 5 if you include the fact that for the previous months I had been living between the lounge and parents. As each issue arised, I wondered what the point was, what the test was. I can tell you now, clearly, there really wasn't one. I'm "settled" now as much as I can be, I'm content on most days, have made some great friends, and still we know things are not what they really should be. We acknowledge that they are significantly better in the housing department though. 11 roomates total this year ( not including Chris Tann and my parents) and now we are down to 3 and 1/2, and that is almost a family I suppose. I've committed to being here 6 more months, we will see what happens then.

This year I lost two of the best dogs ever created, and welcomed in a nephew who embodies the spirit of one of them (Romeo,) they even seem to have the same smile. Bear visited me even last night in my dream and I can't help but feel he is not as free as I would have hoped he would be by this time. Metaphorical peas in a pod perhaps. They never discovered to my knowledge what it was that ailed him, and that will be a heartache for many reasons I'm sure for many years to come. Also brought into the world this year, Anisha, the long awaited child of my former roomate and dear friend Anu, Tristan, coworker jeff's new son, and Olivia, Abby and Cesar ( friends from my sailing to Greece).

I watched as two of my best friends in the world tie the provervial knot finally, Laurina and Erin now legally bound to thier hearts desire. HOw happy and of course being me just an eensy weensy bit jealous their luck was so wel...lucky =] And how can I forget the engagement of my brother to one of the sweetest and most fun women I've met. Their April wedding is being looked forward to inmensely. The family grows.

My yellow jeep, was paid off in full this year, something I own, something I finally feel I accomplished. He hit 80K miles this week and at 5 years old this december, we make a pretty dashing couple. I turned 30 with very little to do, I continue to pay off debts and loans, but a 19% raise to catch me up to "market value" and compensate me for some of the extra responsibility I took on at the job helped to cushion the blow of unexpected costs (airline tickets to weddings, car repair, speeding tickets etc)

This year I did not see a doctor at all, donated blood 4 times, had no colds that I can remember anyway, and directed no plays. I did however have two leading roles and am rehearsing for the third play of the year. Acting is more emotional than directing sometimes, and it was fitting that my rule of one onstage gig increased 3 fold. Time to be told what to do instead of be relied upon to have the answers I guess. Telling in a way. I wonder how much longer that will be the case.

This year I decided South Beach Dieting was not for me, ever, and discovered that even a sexual fling (or three actually) tend to result in friendships more than anything else. I discover I'm not there yet in terms of healing, but don't have a benchmark either for how much is enough and when one is done. At least time is paying attention to me though, I think, one of these days it wont' hurt so much and it will feel good. I know, I know, I don't sound convincing, but I've asked the fairies to help me out just this once in return for cakes and sweets. They are talking it over, they said they would get back to me. A discovery early last week sent me over the edge when I discovered that a bag I had thrown out due to a spider infestation on it most likely contained a small box that held exactly 6 cards and mementos Chris had given me. Every bit of proof I was once possibly loved in that way, gone in a careless instant. And simulatneously symbolic in a way, and pathetic that I could put such emphasis on the material. That I needed proof, that I even need love when I've spent the vast majority of my life knowing I don't. To infinity and beyond.

A hair stylist lost is a hair stylist found, My mother located the women who cut my hair through the guy that cuts her hair just last night. So even when I don't feel good, I will look good...maybe. We try to end this year amd the recap on a good note.

New years will see me finish my play adaptation, go on a date in Mill Valley, and spend New years Eve with My brother and his fiance, my sister and her husband, and family friends Brian and Hasan in San Francisco. Quiet nibbling, chatting and hoping for better for us and all our loved one. This time next year perhaps our tropps will be out of Iraq, our noses out of other people's business, a few new and a few old friends will bring laughter into our hearts, which perhaps will be a little lighter. We can alwyas hope. Until next year.

Wishing everyone a happy, healthy, life transforming year to come.