11/29/2005: "Violations and Horoscopes"

music: Cirque De Soleiel
mood: blurring the line of reality...

Today’s horoscope: A mysterious stranger is about to make an appearance -- someone who'll be extremely attractive to you, for one reason or another. Since your curiosity, and your interest, will quite naturally be aroused, you should expect to spend some time getting to know them.

And yet, I think the events that follow, are probably NOT what the stars were hinting at. Oh the wicked ways of Karma. Having escaped the expense of a phone transplant, I see the money gremlins weren’t about to give up, particularly around the holidays where I have the hardest time being good about spending. Driving late to work this morning, I drive down my least favorite road, Alum Rock, rather impressed at the lack of idiots that plagued the streets, particularly for a wet and rainy morning. I am calm and relieved, thinking about my dream I had last night about being in Greece and sticking my toes in water where “blue sharks” were known to be about. I was testing them in a way and when one came up and gentle held my toes in his mouth, I knew I had “tamed the savage beast” I somehow proved to everyone there that these sharks were not as mean and vicious as rumor had made them out to be. I was shark whisperer. A good water dream recolection spoiled though, abrutly.

Suddenly it wasn’t raining physically otside, it was pouring metaphysically inside. Enter Apollo. 6 foot 2 inch tall, tan, blonde and square jawed Apollo, oh so cleverly disguised as a San Jose Police Officer. The uniform suits you mighty sun god. He is standing in the middle of the road, and is very casually signaling for me to go around. Or so I think. I’m very confused since I don’t see a cone, or lights, or an accident, and I don’t see a reason to go around. Then he says pull over and I literally think, maybe my tire is low, or a light is out or something, and then it dawns on me he is pulling me over. ME! Only I’ve never seen a cop just standing in the middle of the street, pulling people over. He could get hit. I’m totally confused, that and he’s hot and with something like a Jedi mind trick, I am rendered speechless. I unzip my window. Yes, unzip, which is so cruel in so many ways. Not only do people take you less seriously (like you can’t afford real windows) but that sound, is just NOT what you want to hear with an exceptionally looking man in front of you. Well, not one that’s going to fine you anyway. (This beats the embarrassment of a cute cop pulling me over a few years ago while I had 4 DVD’s and food to go in the front seat and he smirks and says, “planning a big night” to which I try to deflect some of the embarrassment with, “oh I’m just returning them for my parents, “ Doh!)

Do you know why I pulled you over? Admittedly at first I wasn’t sure, but being bright and having had sleep last night, I snapped to attention and using my amazing Sherlock Holmes skills of deduction I quipped, “I imagine it was for speeding, but I don’t believe I was." DO you know what the speed limit is? Now I thought it was 35, but being smart I figured, he wouldn’t pull me over for going 8 miles over the speed limit particularly because I was going the speed of traffic, so the limit must be 25. I over think. Being smart is being stupid. Would I rather be stupid or delinquent? I chose delinquent. 25 I say? Yeah, and he says a little fast particularly with the weather. I give him my license. He does not ask for insurance or registration. I think maybe I get a break. I think again. Do you have any questions he says as he hands me my ticket. The man was effiecint, I have to give him that. And for a SPLIT second, just a SPLIT second, I pause and look at him. A billion questions enter my mind, each one more smart ass then that last. ( Do you need a hug? Can I see your gun? Is this for me? I don't suppoose we could talk about this? Who is she?...so many questions...) I smile. No, I say. He’s cold. I don’t blame him. If I had to stand out in the weather and give tickets to people particularly those that don’t REALLY deserve it, I might distance myself a bit too. He may as well pushed me out of bed. Not mean, almost no emotion behind those eyes. And once I find out that this is going to be no small fine, the panic sets in. No Christmas tree for me this year. No presents for people. The budget has been eliminated in one foul swoop.

And I ponder karma, and think what does it all mean. Should I contest? Should I accept my fate? Should I MAKE my own destiny? A flash forward….the Court papers reveal the following conversation….


Judge: Now hearing case 3162.5, San Jose Police Department vs Susannah Greenwood. Is Officer Apollo present?
Apollo: I am.
Judge: And is Miss Greenwood present.
Susannah: Yes, and thank you for acknowledging that it is indeed MISS Greenwood. (Indicates no ring)
Judge: You were speeding Miss Greenwood. How do you plead?
Susannah: Usually on my knees and very effectively.
Judge: You know what I mean. Why are you here?
Susannah: To seek justice.
Judge: Come again?
Susannah: That's what she said.
Judge: what?
Susannah: I said because my horoscope said to contest this ticket.
Judge: You are treading on thin ice already miss Greenwood. 43 in a 25 zone.
Susannah: I'mhere because I concluded it was completely inappropriate to ask the marital status of the present officer at the time the ticket was issued.
Judge: You figured right.
Susannah: Furthermore I judged it completely inappropriate to ask the issuing officer, officer Apollo is it, out on a date for fear that he would think I was souly trying to get out of the ticket, and because I am a totally wuss when it comes to agressing usually.
Judge: Would you have been?
Susannah: Been what?
Judge: Trying to get out of the ticket, or did you feel genuine attraction toward the officer in question.
Apollo: Uh, I object, what does this have to do with the event in question.
Judge & Susannah: It has everything to do with it.
Judge: Answer the question.
Susannah: Uh, he's pretty hot your honor.I would catogorize it more as lust, without the proper knowledge of his true personality.
Judge: Would the request to say, have dinner with officer Apollo been initiated to release yourself from the burden of ticket or to pursue a mutual potential relationship?
Susannah: Well, I don’t know about mutual, I mean reading the signs here, he did give me the ticket, clearly he wasn’t so smitten with me that he was chivalrous enough to pretend like the radar gun malfunctioned, he didn’t deem me cute enough to let me off on a warning, or even give me an out did he?
Judge: You do realize it doesn’t work that way.
Susannah: I argue it has in the past.
Judge: Precedence has been sited. Please let the record show, Miss Greenwood is a slut.
Susannah: WHAT!? I never said that.
Judge: Yes you did. Please read back the record.
Court Recorder: I argue it has in the past...
Susannah: Move to strike that from the record so I don’t look like a bigger idiot in front of the hot cop.
Judge: Motion denied. Too late.
Susannah: Damn
Judge: I beg your pardon there will be no swearing in my court.
Susannah: Sorry.
Judge: Miss Greenwood if you would hurry this along, I have some really important cases to look at, I am not a dating service.
Susannah: Certainly your honor. Right. Well, Normally I’m a good driver, (Exhibit A, my blogs about lame drivers from the last year) and a good Samaritan, I even put a felon away for good in jury duty a few months back, and I’m usually a good arguer, but I feel I was unprepared to deal with such a good looking cop.
Judge: He can hardly help that miss greenwood, any more than you can help being so smoking yourself.
Susannah: I’m sorry what did you say your honor?
Judge: I said, he can hardly help being so good looking any more than you can
Apollo: See I’m not the only one. If I may your honor..
Judge: Proceed.
Apollo: I didn’t WANT to give you the ticket. That was the LAST thing on my mind when I saw your flaming red hair, and your happy yellow jeep filled to the brim with stuffed animals. And your bumper stickers, clever, sassy, passionate, humorous….everything I wanted in a woman. But, I was so struck by your.. your.
Judge: Smoking bod..
Susannah: Don’t push it.
Apollo: your….personality.
Susannah: are you saying I’m fat?
Apollo: Never…so taken by your presence.
Susannah: That totally sounds like you are saying I’m fat.
Judge: Get over it.
Apollo: So taken in and overwhelmed by your aura of goodness, and honesty, well, I clamed up and just gave you the ticket. Can you ever forgive me?
Judge: I might not be able to. I think I'm going to vomit. Are we done?
Apollo: No, we're jsut getting started. Marry me.
Susannah: This may have just gotten weird.
Judge: Just?
Apollo: Marry me. I mean it.
Susannah: For reals? Uh…can we do dinner and a movie first maybe?
Apollo: You’re the Demi Moore to my Ashton Kutcher.
Judge: Maybe you shouldn’t talk any more officer.
Susannah: Can we have a dog?
Apollo: I have two already but sure!
Susannah: Do you bring your work home with you?
Apollo: Only the handcuffs.
Susannah: Well then…why not.
Apollo: Super
Judge: Do you?
Susannah: I suppose so, in a meg ryan movie sort of way.
Judge: Do You?
Apollo: You bet.
Judge: By the power invested in me, done. Congratulations, as her husband, in the state of California all things being equal, you can pay half her fine. Now get your ass out of my court.
Susannah: Right, see you after work then?
Apollo: You bet your sweet ass I will.

And…..Scene…..