07/09/2005: "200 miles and a long dark night"

The little piece of love and lump is gone. He held on just exactly as long as he needed to to hear the words of unconditional love from his masters lips and to know that he could not stay any longer. Chris and I rushed up to the Vet Clinic at Davis after a call came in around 8 that he needed to be put on a ventalator as his breathing and heart were just not doing well. The 1 1/2 drive over 120 miles went quick and took an eternity all at the same time. He had come out of the Anesthetic for his Cat Scan okay for a while and then began to have difficulty. He was sleeping and Chris and I both swear snoring ever so slightly when we went in to see him. Agressive treatments with side effects could be taken to reduce the swelling now that there was little reason to suspect they would discover the REASON for his illness. As Chris went for a walk to decide what needed to be done I quietly deleted the three text messages I had from chris that pertained to Bear in the happy days. "Bear did it", "More like Bedtime SNOREY, Bear is in fine form tonight" and " Good night and Snore respectively". We hope and never loose it, but we also know and I have prepared myself well through open eyes and intuitive premenition. When the vet came out and asked what I thought, I said it is not my decision. I know what I would do, and I'm certain chris will do the same thing. Sure enough, "we will never know if we don't try" ,go for anything that might work, and see what we have on Monday Morning. Funny when they threw out a number to stabalize him for the weekend it didn't sound nearly as scary as you thought it could. $5k for mans best friend for the weekend,,,you can spend that one night in vegas (that is not a suggestion chris). We went back in to say goodbye and Bear was crying. I know, you wouldn't believe it if you saw it, but he had tears welling up where there had been none 5 minutes before. He was sad for us, sad we would miss him, sad he couldn't do what we wanted so desparately, ( Always was headstrong anyway, not the most obedient) and giving us a sign as well. Chris whispered to him and I kisses his velvet ear goodnight. And Goodbye though we didn't want to speak of things like that for fear "giving up" would make it so and we would live with the guilt we hadn't had enough faith to get him through.

We checked into a hotel and headed to find food. IHOP wasn't serving beer, so we went to Denny's. We had not left the hospital for more than about 45 minutes when they called Chris to say he was gone. He had specified no drastic or heroic measures at this point, DNR as it was surely at this stage a sign that he was tired and ready after all he had been through. He just wanted familiar people he loved there and to say they would do anything to help if that's what he wanted. The words were enough. He's a sensitive dog and I think he thought this way would be best surounded by love as usual. I think we both would have liked to have him wag his tail and be awake one more time, but in a way, seeing him there, we all knew ( vet included), there was not other way for this to end. I checked OUT of the hotel while Chris drove back and dealt with the paperwork, the DNA sample kit (from savings and clone thank you) and had a moment alone with him. Back by a little after 3am and facing another weekend of undesirable emotions.

I know both of us are tired and drained, but probably won't sleep without recording and purging to a certain extent the last few moments of this puppy's life, this one anyway. Chris will no doubt have a much more philosophical, scientificly centric, and heart felt account of the events. I lived with this dog for more than 3 years, and though he was very special to many people, I feel we helped each other through a very difficult period of our lives, well my life anyway. Extended unemployment and romantic turmoil can wear a girl down, but a dog can make the time pass much smoother. I was strong for Chris and probably for dear bear tonight, but now I can let he tears finally come freely. They REALLY sting for some reason. there is a los onmany levels, between man and beast, beast and kindred spirit ( our love of food was QUITE the bond) and Man and Woman, the last excuse and tangible vestige/ the final secret "motivation" to be together, a clipping of the chord/cord. Two fold for the master.

I adored and loved this dog more than any other animal in my life. He had that effect on many, and though he wasn't "mine", I felt like I made a difference in his life, and he in mine. Its the sympbolic end to a symbolic pooch that represented and still represents so much to me. The signs that have haunted dreams as welll as reality this past couple weeks is a strong indication that this was the path destined to be for whatever reason. Bear is walking with the rest of Chris's past pooches now for sure, and they are looking after him until he can come back to be with all of us again. and I want to say so much more but I'llhave to wait until I can articulate in the poetic to more justify your beautiful spirit.

I love you.