02/16/2005: "The back of the closet and the ghosts that follow me..."

When you are down in the dumps I find that sometimes the very opposite of what you are looking for, that is the superficial rather than the genuine is sometimes a small comfort. For me, Glitter and tactile (read: furry) clothing seem to make me feel more alive, maybe it's that I'm more visible, that becuase I stand out more I feel noticed and secure in the world....or give that illusion. Fasle as it may be, you do what you gotta do. Thanks to the treasures that the back of a very messy closet holds ( and the dwindling selection fo clothes as the dirty laundry pile towers to frightening heights), I am wearing glitter and fuzzy stuff today. I look like a 7 year old who has raided a costume trunk and mixed and matched all the best stuff, but that's, as Stuart Smally used to say,...okay. Because I'm good enough, smart enough, and gosh darn it, People like me. Small comforts along with the gift of momentary sunshine is all we have some days.

Had a spontaneous late night at the Sports Page "singing" kareoke with John "Deau" (for anonimity sake, and a much needed illusion of completely false mystery a fake name =]) after rehearsal. Happy and sad talks, all good though, some nice writing read at the bar via laptop (uber nerds) and though my singing was for the most part RETARDED, it felt good to be stupid in a place with only a few scattered supportive smiles. Gurads were down. The regulars did not judge, just there for the good times. I felt on stage the whole time a bit.

Strange though to be at a bar and not have a drink. I was jonesing for a Murphy's or a Boddingtons in a major way. Water is the antichrist. I feel inadequate as a pisces having to hydrate with H2O. No beer/Maltose/pure sugar since I am on day four of my no sugar no carb detox. It's miserable and horrible ( though I have a little coffee to keep the caffiene addiction in its rightful place, can't be fanatical one way or the other now can we) and I feel weak and thirsty, but the skin is clearning up, I can feel my stomach working harder and its certainly an intersting experiment for a girl who likes to eat and doesn't often think so much about what goes in her body. (Ahem, mind out of the gutters please. You KNOW what I mean) I mean I enjoy eating (I think we have established this) and I have no issue with my weight (I know, it get's confusing with the fat jokes) but I think I have a problem with being addicted to anything, being a control freak (in a good way of course) and sugar was begining to be a little more of a monkey than I was comfortable with. Not that I have and intention of cutting it out completely (I got some Heath bar crunch Ice cream in the fridge ahhh yeaaah!) just along with the double dog dare, I figure I can prove myself IN control of something for a couple of weeks. I have no scale nor a tape measure and all my clothes fit me already so there will be no bench marking any weight loss if it happens, but I am monitoring my mood, sleep patterns, dreams, energy levels and looking for any change, good or bad. Very interesting. No Coke for my breakfast of champions is the hardest bit in addition to no ginger snaps but I am a warrior.

So my ghost story. They are following me big time. I was in the Pear theatre all by my self and I walked into the green room. Tha Light was on, and I walked across to the bullitin board and as a reached the board I heard somethign switch on, electrical in nature. I looked around thinking I had stepped on a chors or something and found the little table heater had gone on. hmmm. The DIAL had to have been turned on. No explaination on this. SO I laughed, turned the dial to off and went about my business. It's not uncomon for lights to go out and computers to malfunction when I walk by, but I haven't had an appliance actually turn ON without an explaination. I wonder if the ghosts have come to warn me. Or take me. Or humor me. Maybe I watch too much Medium on TV. Maybe I it's the universes editorial commentary on giving up the ghost, or obesseion on the past, or maybe 30 is when I come into my super powers. Will keep you posted.

Anyway...upward and onward....be good to each other.