02/11/2005: "The Worlds Next Top Pontif"

So feeling better I think, for the time being, til the next Crisis ( I almost typed Chrises, freudian) I suppose. I had a clever thought ( if I do say so myself and since it's friday and I have not computer over the weekend ( sparks flew from the chord, I will be re[lacing it via ebay) ) I thought I would share. Hope this brightens your day.

I've been keeping up with this Pope stuff pretty seriously as of late. He's got a great PR agent. He sufferes from parkinsons disease, acute arthritis, does not walk anymore, has trouble speaking and has spent the last 10 days in th hospital at age 84 recovering from flu. He's the leader of 1.1 billion catholics supposedly and he is pushing veg state. So, and not to offend of course, isnt' it time we got a young hot pope to convert the rest of the world? I mean I'd go to church maybe if Johnny Depp were giving the mass. I think the next reality show to hit is a search for the new pope. Or maybe John Kerry is looking for a job. I don't know, just seems that if they used half the marketing efforts they do for TV and reality shows, Christianity might be able to erase some of the cruel hypocritical and superantiquated past that deter so many new follower. I'm not saying that would be a good thing,just that is seems Christianity in general has had a long history with wanting to be liked and then killing people when they found out they weren't. And is the world ready for a female pope... I think so....here are my top choices for new pope...


Oprah Winfrey. Her first task as Popess, or popette or even just Ope is to put the bible on her book club list. Forget President, put her where she can relate to her peeps. You would have to be careful though of the historical connotations of Ope on a Rope.

Madona: come on, wouldn't that be great. The vatican could release guy ritchie directed Prmotional videos about ...oh wait....she's jewish now isn't she... or Kabalah...but then again, doesn't it all go hand in hand, Jesus was Jewish...She could write her own children's books about the bible. She changed her name to Esther...not unlike EASTER... coincidence... I think not. She's a master of marketing and hasn't been out of the public eye since she started, kind of like the church. Maybe she could unite religions.

Colin Farrel: AH yeaaaaahh. Mix it up a bit. Mass would have to be bleeped, and you better keep an eye on the communion wine. He has a tattoo of a cross and the words carpe diem...that's LATIN, you see where I'm going with this? I bet you a lot of catholic girls would do whatever he said. WHATEVER...HE...SAID...hmmmmm. At least with Colin if you hate catholocism you could at least have a reason. I get the sense the Colin is a bit difficult to get along with , but he has personality and that could do a lot for the church. He's a certified insomniac, so he's probably get a lot done. His favorite movie of all time is The Exorcist. Very Key. Problem though, he was divorced and he has a kid out of wedlock...I don't think he can change the rules quick enough to keep up with his social life.

Pierce Broson: Another Irishman, I know...but now that he won't be playing Bond, he could take on a much bigger role for the world. Easy on the eyes and ears, a family man, yeah, I'd listen...sort of.

Mel Gibson. Not. Now I know he's like mr catholic and his movies are well...preachy to say the least, and I KNOW Australia is hot, but I draw the line. No way man. The Man has everything, let's not go there okay.

The Olson Twins: They Stand for everything wrong about the world...and everything men want...Their empire is almost as large as the current popes and I hear that 2 18 year olds are better than one. I think there is a weight requirement though for pope and the emaciated pope joh paul II is heavier then the twins combined, so maybe not.

Mark Burnett: The King of Reality could be KING OF THE WORLD...well 1.1 billion of them anyway, and he could be hated by the billion of others...oh wait he already is hate by every single writer and legitimate actor that can't get a job now becuase of all the "reality" that's on TV. Of course he will be running the contest where the world votes on the next pope, wouldn't it be great if he just said, you all suck, I'M going to be POPE. Mwahhhh ah ahhh ahhh ahhhh! then he would set up the vatican cam and show what being pope is "really" like. what a resume builder...Executive Producer of the Catholic Faith.

Donald Trump. Two Words...You're Excummincated. He'd get his lackey apprentice wanna bees to fix up the Vatican as the new hot vacation spot. Just rearrange the letters fo O' Vatican and you get VACATION!

Gabrial Byrne. Irish. I think I need help. He played a priest/scientest in Stigmata and did a very convincing job. His role in Usual suspects was a classic too. He'd get my vote.

Celine Dion: Je ne pense pas.

Greenday: They don't want to be American Idots. (Faith) They walk the Lonely road. (Hope) They donated money from the sale of their songs to Tsumnami relief. (charity) What's not to love about Greenday? And with three of them, there would be a system of checks and blanances in place to make sure there was no corruption. It's like the holy trinity...father son and holy shit.

And Finally....William Shatner. Pope Shatner. Look what he has done for the space program, for pricline.com, for bad art films on vampires film in esperanto.

So there you go. I know what you are thinking. Susanah, why don't you throw your own name in there. Well I loved the vatican, really I did, I thought the scupture gallery was phenomenal, and I have stage charism for sure, but that whole religion thing...might be a conflict of interest. Course I could change all that...nah...I leave it up to these qualified experts.