02/07/2005: "Hiatus"

hiatus n. pl. hi·a·tus·es.

1) A gap or interruption in space, time, or continuity; a break:
2) Linguistics. A slight pause that occurs when two immediately adjacent vowels in consecutive syllables are pronounced, as in reality and naive.
3) Anatomy. A separation, aperture, fissure, or short passage in an organ or body part.
4) a missing piece (as a gap in a manuscript)

Today the weather matches my mood and if it hadn't been that I needed to pick up my Orthotricycline, prepare for and early Tuesday meeting, and go to rehearsal I wouldn't have gotten out of bed at all. Then again, with two unemployed people in the house I can't say that staying would have been what I was looking for. As it turns out I haven't even gone to the pharmency yet and rehearsal was cancelled unbeknownst to me. There are double standards all over my world an it's frustrating and depressing for me to either speak and by speaking create conflict or or to bite my tounge. I have almost no tongue left from all the biting.

Rehearsals are full of emotional issues which I am not directly involved in, other than being subjected too the residual craziness and tension. It doesn't bother me, but opinions are stifled, and I just kind of shake my head and think I would have done things differently. On the home front, despite desires to be a "family" Courtesy and communication are estranged and apparently only apply to me, not to everyone else, and I think one of the reasons I have taken so long to unpack, is I don't know if I can stay. I feel I used to deserve better, but I haven't been able to perk myself up and the defeated behavior makes me ununique, makes me feel maybe I don't deserve any happiness if I can't as I have in the past created most of it myself. I have aged dramatically so quickly and that is something I never thought I would face so early given my love for life and fun. I haven't had any in months really. Always a cloud, always a memory that catches me off guard. I don't know if I can have fun anymore and when something so fundamental to your being somehow is lost, you can physically feel the gap, the isolation. The haitus in my heart continues to cause a haitus in my happiness. I don't even know what would make me happy now. I am dangerously close to taking things for granted that would be stupid to. I wonder if others go through this, and how they get through it.

Today I feel like a cliche. I feel weak and pathetic. I don't see an end to the slump to the onslaught of emotions and the hypocrisy it would require to ignore my feelings or change them is angering. I feel I can't be appreciated in this state. I'm sane. That's a good thing. There's no hope of me going off the deep end, my strength hasn't be demolished, but certainly damaged.

And the saddest part I think is I don't even know where to start to get back to happy. My gps doesn't cover emotional coordinates just yet, the emotional technology hasn't advanced to that stage I suppose. I bet all my emotional bucks on the stockmarket, invested them in a high risk fund and went bust inthe worst way, and now I'm forced to watch the profiteers, who were stingly perhaps with their love bucks spend them on others. Others that are like I used to be and at the same time, never could be me. I'd hate to think the best part of me was just a phase and I have been forced into retirement.

And so I go on hiatus from the blog for a while. One less email in a particular inbox as a reminder of what isn't and won't be, one less disappointment when peoples priorities don't include me, and when I can't entirely blame them. A break to restore something, maybe order, maybe myself. To find laughter again which I haven't had in so long and used to be synonomous with my name. Peace to those that have felt this pain. I won't be far. Just on haitus.