02/02/2005: "Never a dull moment..."

music: Some random mess DJ ron is playing...
mood: getting ready to begin to start thinking about focusing...

I'm in one of those moods where I want to mark a bunch of stuff off the to do list, but I can't quite get into it....it's either too warm or too cold, or I have to pee, or i'm hungry or not comfortable. Times a tickin and I need to get stuff done...just NOOOOOTT quIIIIITTTTEE there. So I procrastinate. That's where I'm a viking. There are a slew of pencils stuck in the ciling here at work which only goes to show when Ed is out of the office, the Only Child, that would be Ron, is unleashed. Jeff ( dad) has told us on more than one occasion over the last few days to settle down and we do get a bit out of hand, so it's a good thing he is here to keep Ron and I from trashing the place entirely. Here are the latest quotes from the office for posterity.

"If you groom him, I'm leaving" - Heidi
"Is there any reason to do it with or without Heidi?" - Jeff
" Are you using David Right now?" Ron to Jeff
"Hey Jeff, do you wnat my pickle?"- Ron to Jeff
" I tossed the buttermilk" Ron
"He's got some good phone" ROn
" I can even handle heidi slurping the tea"- Ron
"I got your sensititivity right here" Susannah
"What? I'm just stretching my leg out" Ron
" I will bite you back Ron"- Susannah
"In the process of trying to get off quickly, you could fall of the chair" Susannah
Ed: You look Fabulous!
Cathy C: I don't smoke, Ed.

So, in addition to the riotous work atmosphere I have been in my new house for two weeks and already we have had a house meeting, a roommate give his 30 day notice and an engagement. While I am happy, I am skeptical, the fresh eye to this relationship seems to recall a LOT of bickering, a lot of silent treatment, poor communication and some insecurtity that has made me feel a bit like it would be wise to walk on eggshells.

There have been three engagements in the past 2 months in my life and where as I don't think its any great conspiracy I find that with the impending Valentine's Day there's a lot of feelings or quasi bitterness and confusion that I have never had. Up until 3 years ago Valentines' day was just a day. When I was younger dad used to bring small haert boxes of sees candy home for each of his girls. I always sent valentines to everyone, even when you didn't have to anymore. Valentines's day had no pressure attached to it and I could care less if I had anyone "signficant" in my life. then I guess I fell in love, and it all got messy. V-day 3 years ago I went to Kareoke with a bunch of friends from the pride and prejudice cast including Chris who I was already very enamored with at the time but we were not dating. It was a very fun night, two random people got married there and I caught the bouquet though I didn't know either one of them. The next year I think something had happend, I was stressed or busy or ill and I requested to "postponed Valentine's day, but Chris still cooked dinner and we ate on the floor of the lounge picnic style. Simple and nice even though we weren't technically celebrating. Last year we waited almost and hour and a half for our reservation at the Left Bank at santana row, ran into a friend of my older sisters, and then went home late to what was the beginning of the end physcially for us. This year I have the night off of rehearsal and I'm finding it would have been better for me to be working that night then to either come home to the newly engaged couple or listen to Salim and his girlfriend partying in his room. And this bugs me, becuase it never used to effect me, I have never been jealous of others, just possesive of what is mine. Inf the words of the indigo girls "and now i think of having loved and having lost, you never know what it’s like to never love." Even when in love, the day didn't hold any huge significance, I can name a hundred other days that mean more and meant more to me, so why it attempts to plague me now is a muystery to me. I hate to think I have changed that much or that I don't have the control I used to over my own emotions. So. I think about going to a art gallery opening, or going to a dark movie theatre to hide and watch horror movies, and then I think maybe something better will come along or maybe I will wake up Monday the 14th and it will JUST be Monday. And that will be okay.


I am still sharing a bathroom and still trying to get settled in a major way and part of me is like a gold fish in a bag, waiting for the atmospheree to aclimate, waiting for the temperature or the world to match mine. It will be interesting to see how it goes. I'm still a guest fish despite efforts, things are certainly not dull.