08/04/2004: "The GAME, a sign of the times..."

music: None
mood: Confused, bitter, aggravated...flattered maybe?

Alright.

It's the red hair and a smile. It has nothing to do with anything else. Not beauty. Not an air of desparation. It's not style and grace for sure. Not an aura or energy, not any of that. In this day and age a smile to a stranger is one of the most powerful things and I unfortunately don't EVEN know I do it most of the time. I guess I feel on some level, it's a way of making an effort, a way of connecting and it's the polite thing to do. Even muttering hi is not uncommon for me. I grew up in a safe and friendly neighborhood before kids weren't allowed to play outside for fear of being kidnapped. There was certain information you DIDN'T give to strangers but passing someone on the street and smiling shouldn't be a crime. Shouldn't be punishable. Shouldn't have to insight a sense of paranoia which I so want to not have to get sucked into, but is becoming increasingly important for your own safety. I am secure in the fact that I could in fact kick anyones butt that tried to hurt me physically ( \and I think my parents were comforted growing up of that fact too) but still, it's a different world and my more liberal happy go lucky ways are resulting in awkwardness...

In foreign countires a simple smile has gotten me the following (all realtively positive experiences)

1) A tour of turkey with a rug salesman.
2) A tour of Venice by a native including a short tour of Church art, personal insight into the street merchants, and a gondola ride.
3) Free drinks in Grease
4) Tea and conversation on the history of Peru
5) a chance to ride on the neck of an elephant and steer in Thailand

Smiles I think are the most understated negotiating technique ever and yet in this country they are so much more complex then they need to be. I in no way mean to sound vain, but I get looked at and approached often because I have red hair (more exotic than pretty much any attribute you can come up with, 4% of the world population, real red anyway) and more often because I smile. Rarely do I put on the I don't want to talk, look at my feet, don't look at me stance, it's not worth the energy and it's not me to be honest. Besides you might miss something. It stands out though and THAT is what mkes me approachable and approached.

So, a few days ago I am walking out the door of work and a young man walks by and I smile and am nearly past him when he turns and says hello. I say hello and continue to walk and then he says do you work here. I initially thought he was looking for a building and might be able to help navigate so I stop and I say yes. Then he asks how I am doing, and I go into that forced paranoia...here we go again. I said fine, I think he may have picked up on the slight suspicion in my voice. What's your name? And I laughed and I countered with what's yours. His was roger. Crap. Now what. Okay. I give him my name. Can't hurt right. Where exactly do you work. And NOW he is just going to far. When I think about it, maybe he was just asking what I do.... he was foreign, thick aaccent but I don't know where from,and maybe this is a culturally acceptable thing, far be it from me to be offensive. This is also one of my problems. Ever culturally aware from travel and groups of friends that how I was brought up is not gospel and when I might feel a bit out of my comfort zone, I am a mutable pisces by nature and willingly (and sometimes unwillingly ) adapt quicker than others can. My giving nature. So sue me. SO I tell him " you can't ask me that" and he says when he sees something he likes he just goes for it...blah blah blah. Not lines, I do believe they were sinceere and kudos for being friendly and bold, but you understand maybe my hesitation. Maybe it was because he was not attractive to me, maybe becuase I was in a hurry, maybe because I've been here before...

My mind rushed back to a simple hi I said to a worker in a factory that was next to a temp job I worked one summer when I was 18. VERY shy back then but very friendly as well. I never thought that a simple hi and literally 2 minutes of conversation would result in a huge bouquet of flowers on my desk the next morning and a LOT of explaining to the female coworkers that I didn't KNOW this person at all. He called the office several times and I allowed as how Susannah wasn't there. I felt horrible, but was totally unable to explain that I wasn't interested. And Why wasn't I? I don't know. I eventaully had one of the women in the office answer the phone the next time and explain very nicely that I was extremely flattered and honored but just not interested and a bit creeped out by the agressiveness of the attention. The whole situation was made even worse by the fact that one of the clients of the company that I talked to on the phone with often sent a big basket of flowers for me also, but for my last day of work which it happened to be. I wonder if I missed something there, and then I think I have always had a bit of a problem saying no (to certain things, get your minds out of the gutter thank you very much) and if I did say no, I must have instinctively known something. But I digress...

Back to the present (where things clearly haven't changed all that much with regards to my dealings of things) So after a 3 or 4 minutes of chatting of him trying to convince me to give him my cell phone (FAT CHANCE) I supplicate and give him my business card. He has the nerve to say, oh come on I'll give you my phone number, and I say THAT's fine if YOU feel comfortable doing that. Take the card or leave it. He takes it. And today he calls.

30 minutes of trying to understand him on the phone, listening to why he was compelled to stop and why he has called. He of course wants to have coffee and I explain though it will sound like an excuse I am busy most weekends and even weeknights are difficult for me. I question him on all sorts of stuff and try to get a sense of what his deal is. No attraction was the bottom line on any level. Could be my mindset, could be I feel more comfortable with a less zealous courter, could be I don't have time in my mind for new friends, could be i'm a snob, could be a lot of things...but now here's my issue. A situation I have found myself in many times, but not so much recently and admittedly I am out of practice. I didn't, like I should have, just say look, I'm flattered and either made up an excuse or honestly said, for whatever reason I'm not interesting in pursuing this friendship/connection/whatever any more. Good luck to you. I said instead, I'm very busy but call if you want and if you catch me we will see. You boys can slap me on the wrist cause I bet you would hate this if it were you. I guess I just want to "encourage" them to not give up...that that tactic, if sincere will work on some lucky girl...on others..not me, that I know of. And I guess ultimately I don't want to turn into that girl who never smiles for fear she will "attract" someone that's not someone she sees being a friend or pursuing any type of relationship with. What exactly do I do, what would you want done in the same position, really...honestly....an excuse, a coffee date and let you decide for yourself it's not worth it, the truth? I have no idea if this is a line, I have no idea if this is sinceere, I have made a decision though that I gave him more time than most, I was very fair and I am entitled to my judgement. I still feel the same way I did when I met him which is, thanks but no thanks. I hate the game. Always have. I want to be honest, but I do find it hard becuase I almost think I would personally rather be ignorant of the truth at times as it is painful toa delicate ego more often then not. I am an inherently honest person though and don't want the situation to persist in a false way. Sometimes these things go away on their own. Sometimes the guy gets the hint. sometimes not. How to prepare...


I wil save my online dating stories from about 3 years ago for another blog...until then..

Any advice would be appreciated....