07/19/2004: "Risk and Change"

As a control freak ( and I mean that in a mostly stable, efficient and endearing way) I have always thrived on controlled newness and change. Spontineity is a wonderful thing, and if I weren't as quick thinking and as intelligent as I am, I would probably hate spontineity and be really boring. But I am quick and so I can calculate the level of risk quickly and get psyched easilt. I would rather be on the behind the scenes side of a surprise but maybe it's because I've never actually had anyone really surprise me. Maybe a couple of times. I am a dichotomy. I'll walk on the wire as long as I know I''m not going to fall off. I measure I think my actions with success. I don't often set myself up to fail often and I don't fail well unless I know ahead of time of the propability and can justify or rationalize it. This is just something that comes with little exposure I guess. I don't mean to sound vain but either because of my luck or talent, or becuase due in part to the way I live my life, I haven't failed. Until recently. And it's eating me up and I can't stand it becuase if I let it get to me...I'm not in control. Ah the vicious cycle.

I have my lazy, quite and pensive moments to be sure, but most people I wager would say I am pretty lively. I feel a period of change coming on though and I have always made a very sharp distinction between what I change and what changes. They result often times in very different reactions. AS any addiction the first way to coping with it as THEY say is to admit it. I have always ( mostly) been open that I like to be in control in most situations. I liked swimming where I didn't have to rely on other people as a team as much, in my job I have always enjoyed managing myself for the most part, and directing and producing shows has always been in line with the idea of I would rather set high expectations for myself and not have to rely on others. I have indeed a bit of a superwoman complex because I can. This is not so much becuase I don't TRUST people, but becuase some people just don't have the same standards. It's neither wrong or right, it's nobodys fault, it just happens to be. I know what I can do, I mostly know what I can't...I can't speak for others and their determination. I am a motivater and a leader and work well with others when I need to. This is not a flaw, but it is difficult to explain without sounding elitest and to a certain extent neurotic. I waste my breath to be sure...or my digital ink in this case.

So. Admitting it is done. Changing, facing and forcing myself to think, act and live outside that comfort box is perhaps the next step to real growth, and to reclaim that control which keeps me ironically balanced. Thus, I have started a new campaign and I encourage anyone who wants to to join in. I have decided to attempt to expose myself to new things. It could be a simple as kareoke ( my current fear I am overcomingwith every attempt and being less jidgemental and allowing myself to have more fun each session) or it could be running a 8 minute mile, or not have caffiene for a week or jump out of a plane, or not plan my day. But in order to not be in control, to not chose things I think I can succesed at in my definition of the word, I need suggestions. I need challenges to my world, to my control that I don't think of. I need ideas of surrender. I want to acchieve 1 new thing each month starting in August. Something I haven't done or maybe even thing of doing. Something you can't see me doing, something easy on the checkbook (unless you are going to pay). My request would be have it be something that will teach me something, and creative. It can be big or small, be acheived in a few minutes or over the course of the month. I want you, my firends to give me the gift of making me more solid, more experienced, more open, more trusting, a better person, more enriched and learn to look at "failure" less sternly. Suggest something that breaks my character, that tests my temper, patience, and ability. Push me to the limit, catch me off guard. Be kind but help. Game on.